I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
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ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.