Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
You Might Also Like
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I’d love this…lol
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.