Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
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not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.