@mishakey: I don't come into YOUR bathroom and tell YOU how to tweet.
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@TheMichaelRock: Wanna have a little fun? Go to Facebook and post "Anyone know a good lawyer?" Then sit back and watch the speculation run wild!
@ramblinma: I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy "that Santa brought" and now I'm stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
@birbigs: New slogan for cats: "Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don't want to die? Cats."
@d_duhwit: Neighbor: Hey I'm sick of your dog doing his business on my lawn. Me: Ok, sorry. *Walks over to my dog's lawn lemonade stand* Hey, I told you it has to be on our lawn.