I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
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i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.