@MakesYouGiggle: I don't draw my eyebrows on because I can't commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
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@uncle_fescue: Buddy: her boyfriend was killed? Me: Yeah, she said he was hung like a horse but I'm like, who even kills horses like that?
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Which cup do you want? 2-year-old: That one! Me: Let's pick a different one. 2-year-old: No! *drinks milk from a shot glass*
@karencheee: Today I watched a meteor shower until it angrily pulled the curtains closed and yelled at me to stop peeping.
@Parkerlawyer: I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.