@MakesYouGiggle: I don't draw my eyebrows on because I can't commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
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@SirEviscerate: ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say "don't try this at home"? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
@EndhooS: [Opens hand sanitiser] ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ [closes lid] wtf? [looks at label] LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
@Freudianscript: My therapist told me that if ignorance is bliss, there's no reason for me to be on antidepressants.
@david8hughes: Interviewer: says here you have a military background Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti