sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
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People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.