ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
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If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.