I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I’m tired tomorrow.