I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
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Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I feel it
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
just got my engagement photos
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.