So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
You Might Also Like
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd