i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
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Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
😅😅😅
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.