Lo AND behold? in this economy?
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Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
[eats all your cotton candy]
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave