I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
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Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
A huge thanks to the person that did this
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong