I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
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Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised