I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
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911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men