I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
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I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
No Google it does not
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa