I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
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Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
No selfies while hijacking a train.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.