Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
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Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Peter Parker Peter Driver
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*