I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
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For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
FINE, I WON’T.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac