No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
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ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Cheer up.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.