Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
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My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?