INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
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am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Selfie
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.