“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
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cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
If you want my opinion ask my wife