“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
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I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*