I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
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[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.