I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
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Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
oppen heimer style lol
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Hot Panini is in big trouble