*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
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There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Plant care tips
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Watermelon Boss!
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.