You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
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A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
estão todos miauvindo?
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’