I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
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Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
I’m having an out of money experience.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages