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@JuanSalton: I don't have a drinking problem, I'm very good at it
@jimmytorosian: Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn't do nothin'
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
@tigergreengrove: What do you do if your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some Lube.
@kelkulus: "It's not you, it's me." - Identical twins arguing over a photo.
@Whymze: [pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
@OtherDanOBrien: [Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I'll take your finest orphan.
"Sir, we can't just give-"
"Do you like boy acrobats?"