@JuanSalton: I don't have a drinking problem, I'm very good at it
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@FatherWithTwins: *kids walking Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry! Kids: Okay! *continue walking at exactly the same pace
@gerryhallcomedy: There's no such thing as "elevator etiquette" buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
@lisaxy424: My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her "golden shower" so goodnight.