@JuanSalton: I don't have a drinking problem, I'm very good at it
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@natechartier1: Judge: I find him... not guilty *Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief* Cop: *cuffing him* So that's where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
@YWIR: Keep your friends close, your enemies close, aliens not so close, ghosts close, snakes close, skeletons close, everything just in a big pile
@nevels_kendyle: Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking? Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that's not tied in a knot*
@jnrbtsn: Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I'd say there's a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.