V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
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The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
sistine chapel
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?