Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
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Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?