@KenJennings: "I don't have a racist bone in my body!" --Riley Cooper's girlfriend postcoitus
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@close_c: You know you're a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
@Jazzzzzmina: How strict is the "I licked it, it's mine" policy? There's some things I've licked that I don't want.
@thepunningman: Farmer: I love my job Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows Farmer: What did you say to me? Wife: You herd