@KenJennings: "I don't have a racist bone in my body!" --Riley Cooper's girlfriend postcoitus
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@jngraphs: My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I'm making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
@DanMentos: "do you know why I pulled one over on you?" becau- wait what? "I'm not a real cop lol" haha nice! *pulls gun* "I am taking your car though"
@ForeverHairy: When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
@BreadFoster: Don't say "lets get weird" on our date then get freaked out I'm dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.