I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
You Might Also Like
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
How is it still this week?
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.