Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
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I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
the red hot silly peppers
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”