I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
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me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?