I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
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“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.