“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
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So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Yup!
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?