*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
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Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
What my back needs
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.