I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
You Might Also Like
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.