I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
You Might Also Like
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
the only bumper sticker ill allow
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Pot warmers of the day.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing