I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
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No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
This is so me 😂😂
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*