My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
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Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.