I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
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I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.