I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
no one ever comes back
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
we all know this pain all too well
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.