I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
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A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?