I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
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Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My therapist after every session
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Who chose this font
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
This trial is so absurd 😭
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.