Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
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Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Found my door mat
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.