Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
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[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box