Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
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*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit